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FAMILY & HOME LIFE

1. "We believe that it's important for our sons to be responsible, so we've assigned them a few household chores.  For example, we've asked our thirteen-year old to make sure our trash and recyclables are ready for pickup once a week.  Our fifteen-year old has to mow the lawns.  But so far, they've done nothing but gripe.  We really don't know how to motivate them or punish them for their refusal to do chores.  I don't want to let them off the hook, but I really don't want chores to become a serious source of conflict between us.  Any suggestions?"

Make a list of all the chores that need to get done around the house, including the ones that you do. Determine how much time each chore takes and record in writing. Most families have over twenty hours of work per week just to keep things going. Make sure you include washing clothes, folding them and putting them away; and all the time that goes into food: planning a menu, making the grocery list, shopping, shelving, organizing, cooking, cleaning up after, etc.  This will help your teens see that there is much to do and everyone needs to do their part for things to be fair. Then assign a name to the task, of course the parents will have more hours assigned, PLUS their day jobs, so it won't be even. But everyone needs to contribute to the team: Team Family.  Remember: Families have members, not guests.  Families can't afford to have spectators; we all need to contribute. You could ask your teen, "What happens if I stop doing the laundry or grocery shopping?" "What might happen if Dad doesn't feel like working and doesn't go to the office?" Part of life is learning to do what we'd rather not do. It's not easy, its not always fun, but being mature is doing the right thing even when we don't feel like it. It's putting our self-discipline ahead of our feelings.

When everyone does his or her task without being nagged to do it, home life is much smoother. If one of your teens refuses to do his job, assign him another one. Say, "You have just earned an additional job. This is because I have to take time to talk to you about this—time that I could be doing my fair share of my tasks; but instead I'm talking to you about your contribution. You owe me 30 minutes of extra chores, plus you need to finish your regular duty before you go out tonight. If you gripe about it, I'll add another 30 minutes of work, your choice."

Make sure that you affirm them for the work that they do as a contribution to the family. Don't be too picky about how thorough it is at first; just applaud any progress in the right direction. They will be more likely to do a better job, and finish it in the future if you express appreciation for their efforts. Don't expect perfection, but affirm progress.

2."We have some rules for our kids, but they seem to ignore them a good deal of the time.  When we remind them of the rules, they plead ignorance, or say they misunderstood the rules.  We are thinking of writing them down into a kind of family constitution.  Do you think this is a good idea?"

Yes, I think it's a great idea and you can work in a history lesson! Imagine our country without a Constitution; we'd be all over the map. But for over two hundred years we have been able to follow the guidelines of our country's founders and fulfill their vision of a nation "for the people and by the people," that allows individuals to "pursue life, liberty and happiness." Our constitution gives us a framework to live by and make decisions. Families would benefit from a Family Constitution as a working document.

We have done an excellent job of affirming individual rights and expression of those rights in our country, but we have not done as good of job with helping our kids understand the benefits and responsibilities of community. As a result, today's teens often think, "It's all about them." I like to tell parents, "Individuality without community leads to narcissism." We need to help our kids understand their individual rights, sure; but we also need to help them see that they have a role and a responsibility to the community—beginning with their family.

Schedule a family meeting and announce that you are going to work together to develop a historical document to guide your family. Something which will help each family member remember what's important and to think "community' instead of "what I want." Ask them, "What are the core values that we should have as part of our Family Constitution? What are the important ideas that we want to see in how we relate to each other and the decisions we make?"  If you are getting resistance from your teen over this idea, let them know, "This is your opportunity to make this family different, but you have to express your opinion and share your ideas."

Record the ideas in writing, then say, "Let's think about these for a week, then we will get back together to affirm or edit these concepts." At the next session, try to come up with three or four key concepts that can represent your top family values. For instance, you could take three themes from our forefathers: Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. Life could be the essentials of living together. Liberty could be the freedom to pursue my interests and have my own life. And the Pursuit of Happiness could mean what are the things that we can do to bring joy to each family member and others. Make a chart like the one below. In the first column, record these key values; in the second column, record the behavior that reflects these values (the rules) and in the third column, describe the consequences—positive and negative, which will happen to family members who don't follow the preferred behavior. This approach helps teens own the rules because they were involved in making them and it helps them understand the "why" behind the rules. It also helps the parent because a misbehavior already has a negative consequence developed, in advance. This way you avoid the last minute anxiety of, "What should I do to punish him this time?"

3."What about curfew?  We don't allow our 15-year-old to stay out past eleven o'clock, but lately she's been complaining that we're unfair and old-fashioned.  All her friends get to stay out later, she says, and she doesn't understand why she has to come home so early.  She thinks we don't trust her and that we're treating her like a child.  We just don't want to worry about her safety.  Are we being unreasonable to expect her home at a decent hour?"

We told our daughters that they "didn't have a curfew" but we wanted to know where they were going, who with, and what they were doing every time they went out. That way they had to negotiate with us how late, if at all. I think we gained more information this way then if we had a "be home by eleven' rule. On school nights, they were expected to be home by nine p.m. unless there was some valid reason to be out later.

You probably have experienced the response, "I dunno, just hangin' out," when you asked your teen what he is planning on doing. In some cases, its okay to let things develop, if you trust him and the people he is hanging out with. If you are doubtful, get more information. With the advent of cell phones, plans can change and your teen's social agenda can turn on a dime. Make sure they use the phone to call you and keep you posted of any changes. The basic rule is "No Surprises." Let them know, "I don't want to be surprised to find out who you were with, what you were doing or where you were. It's to your advantage to keep me informed or your world will be very small."

This approach shows trust, enhances parent-teen dialogue, and develops negotiating skills. I think teens like to announce to their friends, "I don't have a curfew. I just talked to my pops and told him I'd be home around 11:30."

One reason why we went with this "floating curfew" idea was that I saw several teens get in trouble and still make it home in time for curfew. Parents sometime falsely reason, "if he's home in time, he's not getting into trouble' and they don't bother to get enough information. With the floating curfew your teen may need to come home one hour after the football game ends, instead of a specific time. That gives him time to chat with friends, get pizza and get home. It also allows you as the parent to be flexible when the situation warrants it, like out of town games, formals and proms, and concerts.

You might try this approach with your daughter. Sometimes the chance of getting to stay out later reduces the resentment of being told when to come in; but it also forces her to be responsible to dialogue with you and negotiate an acceptable time to be home.

4. We have rules for our children and we have been quite firm in enforcing them. But our kids argue that some of those rules are dumb and should be changed.  We aren't so sure.  If we change one rule, then all the rules are up for grabs.  What do you think?"

If you haven't read my response, to question 3, read that first.

It's true that some rules do need to be changed. As our kids get older, certain rules don't apply. For instance, we don't have to threaten anymore, "Don't throw your baby bottle on the floor or mommy will spank your hand!"

There are some rules that our "house rules" and they never change: "Clean up after yourselves." "Be considerate of others and respectful to their property." These are essential rules for families or even roommates. I think it is helpful to separate rules into two lists: one for developing the character of the teen and one for general house rules.

With the personal character rules, the idea is to focus on what you see is an area of character development for the teen. For instance, your thirteen-year-old sons may be somewhat lazy about taking regular showers and keeping up on his personal hygiene. You wouldn't want a house rule posted, "Everyone must have a daily shower!" But for him, you customize a discussion that lets him know this is important and it is one of the three things you are going to be working with him on in the next few months. By focusing on three areas you don't overwhelm your teen or become too critical. It also helps you from becoming stressed due to battling over too many issues.

I also recommend that you narrow your house rules to a short list and post them where family members can see them. One family has reduced it to one phrase, "I can do anything I want as long as I consider what others need."

When it comes to dealing with the accusations that "your rules are dumb!" Let them know the "why" behind the rule. Then challenge them, "If you can think of another way to reinforce this value, let me know; until then, you need to follow my dumb rule because I am trying to help you learn this important principle."

It is fairly typical for seniors to lose interest in school, particularly their second semester. They often reason, What difference does school make now? Colleges won't be looking at my grades. I've worked hard, now it's time to relax.

Honestly, in some cases, they are right. They may have already been accepted into college and they may not even need the credits from the current term to graduate. But for most seniors, they still need the credits, and for ALL seniors, they need to keep up their self-discipline and study skills—it only becomes more challenging in college!

In your son's case, I can think of three things that might be going on:

1)      He might be overwhelmed with the subjects or workload of his classes. In some senior—level courses they take a quantum leap in complexity and amount of work. He may not be able to handle this jump. You may need to get him a tutor or talk to his teacher about the situation and get his or her perspective. In many cases, teens fail because they simply don't turn in their work. A lot of times, they do it; they just don't get it turned in. Help organize his day into two-hour study periods where he does nothing but homework. Even if he argues he doesn't have any, have him read the text, outline it, read ahead or organize his notebook for the full two hours. Do allow short breaks for food so he can keep his blood sugar up.

2)      He may need accommodations for the classes he is having difficulty with. Again, talk to the teacher about this. He may need to sit in the front, have his assignments written and explained after class, or other, more extensive adjustments. If he is having the same problem in all, or most of his classes, you might consider having him tested for a learning disability. I know of dozens of teens that did not know they had a disability until their senior year when they couldn't keep up.

3)      He may be afraid of leaving high school and the protection and innocence that it offers. He may sense that "all of my friends are going away," and experience loss at a variety of levels. He may need to process these feelings with a trusted friend, youth worker or counselor. You might be too close to the situation for him to talk with you.

Of course, he simply may be lazy. If that's the case, say, "Your job right now is to be a student and bring home passing grades. If you can't do that, I will have to prepare you for a different path in life—one that doesn't require brains, but brawn, so I will help you by giving you more chores around here, ones that will make your back strong, since that seems to be the career path you are headed."  I have suggested this several times, and it's amazing how the boys get those grades up when they face manual labor!

DATING / SEXUALITY

7. "Last week our 14—year—old daughter was invited to go out with a boy on a date.  While we know the boy and we also know that the activity is going to be chaperoned, we still don't think our daughter is old enough to start dating.  What do you think?  When is it appropriate for teenagers to start dating?"

FRIENDS

8. "I know that friends are very important to teenagers, but my son doesn't seem to have any. He's content to stay home most of the time and just entertain himself. Is this abnormal? What can I do to encourage him to be less of a loner and to find some friends?"

Friends are terribly important to teens, but they don't always determine if the teen will have social intelligence—the skills and knowledge that brings relational effectiveness. In a comprehensive study of teenagers it was determined that one out of five teens suffered from alienation. It's not rare for your son to be in that group. In fact, most teens expect some level of rejection or alienation from their friends, it's seen as part of the teenage jungle. What's encouraging about this study is that a teen's home life had more to do with his levels of alienation than his social life. Let me repeat that for you, a teenager's relationship with his family will impact his feelings of alienation more than his actual relationship with his friends!

Why is that?

Because teens expect their friends to let them down, have arguments, lie to them, and take advantage of them. They reason, "Hey, they're teenagers, whaddya expect? They are learning relationships."

But they expect more from their parents.

I think that is good news. We can't always influence what happens at school with our teens and their friends; nor should we try! But we can influence what happens at home.

• Are we connecting with our teen?
• Do we show interest in their friends and interests?
• Does our teen feel valued?
• Do we value family time enough to make it fun, relaxed and memorable?

Twenty percent of our teens' time is spent alone. A good deal of that is between the hours of three and six p.m. We might be able to give our teen a call if we are still at work, or we might arrange for him to be involved in an after—school activity or hobby that he is interested in. Some teens are perfectly fine being alone after school and they don't want to go to some activity. Ask your teen what he would like. He might say, "Just get me some tools that I can tinker with in the garage and leave me alone, don't worry, I will just be working on my car."

Other teens are more comfortable with adults. They might seek out the adults at church, at Scouts or in the community. I know of several teens who don't have too many friends their age, but are pleasant and interesting to talk with; and that's okay, because in a few short years; they will be surrounded by adults.

APPEARANCE

9. "I know we should pick our battles wisely, but our teenager wants a tattoo. Over my dead body! I know this is not a huge moral issue, but I absolutely am not going to allow my kid to ruin their appearance with a stupid tattoo, which is permanent. Needless to say, we're fighting over this one, but I wonder, is it worth the hassle?"

It's probably worth the hassle. Teens look at life differently than adults do. Which explains why some things are so urgent to them.

This is why they say things like, "I will be the only one in my group without a tattoo! Do you want me to be a loser?"

Teens tend to look at life through a short-range lens I call the "Today Lens." If I don't have the right hair, clothes, music and look, I will be out of it. And I need to have all of these NOW!"

This also explains why they see things in terms of semesters and seasons and often have difficulty thinking too far into the future. (My sophomore summer I want to û).)

Our job as parents is to help them see beyond the Today Lens. We should acknowledge their need to be trendy and hip, but help them see beyond the tyranny of teen urgency. "I know you want to look cool and grown—up, but I don't want you to regret getting a tattoo in two years when they aren't in style and there is a huge line at the cosmetic surgeon's office to have them removed by a very expensive laser."

Instead, offer them an alternative, "I will let you do something wacky and wild with your hair, your makeup or even your clothes; but not something that is a permanent fixture on your body."

If they continue to give you grief, let them know that getting a tattoo requires a parent's legal permission, or that they are eighteen years old. If they want to get one when they are eighteen, they will have to be 100% on their own—which means moved out, supporting themselves financially, and paying for college on their own. By that time, tattoos will be out of style.

10. "Our 14—year—old daughter wants to get her navel pierced, but we don't think this is appropriate for girls her age, or any age for that matter. What should we do?"

Your daughter is likely very aware of the current fashion of exposed midriffs, tight abs, and belly button piercings. This is more of a gray area than tattoos because it isn't permanent. If she got her belly button ring now, and then decided when she was sixteen that it was no longer fashionable, she could simply take it out and the hole would fill in.

I think the deeper issue is teaching her to think beyond the "here and now' urgency that is driving her desire to get the piercing. (See my answer above on tattoos). Does she want to get this because other fourteen year olds have them? Will she be asking for a tattoo next? You will probably have to get below the surface and find out what is driving this; if it's primarily a fashion statement, I'd be more likely to let her get her navel pierced at her fifteenth birthday; but if it's because "I have to fit in," I'd be less likely to give in.

Let me explain. Sometimes teens want to do things that annoy us as adult parent types. We did the same thing when we were teens. It's about "individuation"—the process of becoming my own individual. A certain amount of this is necessary for adolescents. It's not easy for the teen or the parent, but it is a part of growing up. We need to think of ways that allow our teens to be different (and at times "weird") from us; but hopefully not in a damaging or permanent way.

But we also want to guard our teen from giving into the latest form of peer pressure. We want her to be able to stand alone, so that when temptations come her way, she can say, "No thanks, I'll pass." In this case, your job is to discern if it's an issue of individuation or an act of compliance to peer pressure. Let her know that you want her to be able to express herself, but that you don't want her to fall victim to peer pressure—even if it's a belly button ring.

  VALUES & FAITH

11.  "How important are dads in passing on values to teens? Aren't teens in kind of a "been-there-done-that' mentality with dads and only open to someone new?"

A recent Gallup survey reported that seven out of ten teens would like to spend more time with their fathers. Most teens are open to having more time with dad; but they are also open to others who might mentor them as well, and 85% of the teens in the survey said that they would like a mentor in their life.

So the stale image of the "generation gap" doesn't apply to today's teens. They are open to having a relationship with adults and are interested in more time with dad. This shouldn't surprise us, because half of these teens are children of divorce.

Studies have consistently show that the more actively involved a father is with the raising of his children, the more successful those children are likely to become—academically, emotionally, and socially.

There is no time of a child's development when dad is dispensable; but the middle school years are the most crucial of all. It is often at this point when the father backs off—of his involvement, of expressing affection, of playing with his child and seeking to make a connection. This is a mistake, because this is when your child needs it the most.

It is at this vulnerable stage when a daughter is seeking acceptance and validation from a male; if she receives it from her father, it will meet her needs of approval and reaffirm that she is valuable in her father's eyes. If she doesn't receive her father's validation, she is likely to seek it in less appropriate ways in the arms of a boyfriend.

Your role as a father of a teenager needs to be one that is less of control/director and more of a coach/consultant. This allows the teenager to assume responsibility for his or her own behavior, but still allows you to influence them without micromanaging them. It also allows you to mentor your teen on what matters most.

MONEY

"My teenager thinks he should be paid for doing household chores.  We think the roof over his head and the food on the table should be pay enough. Who's right?"

You both are. There are some things that every family member should do to contribute to the smooth functioning of the home. There are other chores that can be assigned to your son with some "salary" attached to them.

Did you know that most families require twenty-five hours of work each week just to keep going? Make a list of what each family member does and how much time it takes just to keep the family fed, clothed, clean and in their right minds. Your son probably doesn't think about the hours you shop, pay the bills, wash his clothes, organize and schedule for the family. As a family, discuss the list and ask if you are forgetting anything. Volunteer to take the jobs you have to (like paying the bills) and ask, "Who wants to take grocery shopping for the month?"  "Who wants to be in charge of yard work?" etc.

Remind your kids that families have members, not guests, and that each team member must do his or her part to keep the family working. Let them know that each family member is expected to contribute some chores because he is a member, but that they will be paid for other chores. Make sure that you refer to this as their "salary' not their allowance. If they don't do the work, they don't get the full pay.

I meet many parents who have done a good job of sharing their standard of living with their teens, but a lousy job of training them with the skills they will need to achieve that standard on their own. As a result, too many teens have a sense of entitlement—believing that it's someone else's job to take care of their needs or wants.

Sometimes giving our kids too much is giving them too little. Help your teen learn how to prepare for life by becoming response-able: able to respond to life's situations. Remember the parenting paradox: The more parents seek to make their teen happy, the more likely that the teen will someday be miserable.

The goal isn't a happy teen, but a competent one.

©Tim Smith, 2004