“Is this some kind of trick question? Do you really have something in there?” asked a guy in the back.

“Yes, I really do have something in here. How much would you pay for this one thing that could dramatically change your life?”

A girl in the front asked, “Do you take debit cards?”

“I sure do!” I pulled out my Square credit card reader and my iPhone. “I can take debit, credit or cash. How much would you pay or what’s in this black bag?”

“All I got is $500 on me,” said a guy wearing an Ivy League college sweatshirt.

“You carry around five Benjamins?” I asked.

“Not all the time, just today.”

“Okay, the highest bid goes to him,” I announced.

“Well, since you can take cards, and you say it will really help me in sports? If so, I’ll use my dad’s credit card and give you a thousand for it,” said the water polo player with the chlorine-bleached hair.

“Deal! Let me have it,” I asked.

He handed the card to me, but before I ran it, I said, “What’s in here is very valuable. Research by Dartmouth, Michigan, Kaiser Family Foundation and the National Honor Society has all proven this.” (I held up the bag.) “What’s in this bag is worth more than a tutor, a private coach or tons of money. And I’m going to give it to all of you for free!” I returned the card to the water polo guy, who now looked confused.

“Want to see what’s in the bag?” I pulled out my dinner from Corner Bakery. “Having family meals three to five times a week will promote all kinds of benefits that help you be a better student, improve as an athlete and do better socially and make fewer risky decisions.”

There were a few groans in the room. I think they were hoping for some techy, iPad app that would zap their brain, give them six-pack abs and better looking friends on Instagram.

I explained why it worked. “Having a meal with your family, and it can be breakfast, lunch or dinner; offers benefits to you, but there are some conditions: no texting, TV or screens at the table; no harassment about chores, homework or pesky little brothers; and the quality of food doesn’t matter! It doesn’t have to be gourmet or expensive to produce the benefits. What the researchers found is that if families can protect twenty minutes from distractions and have a positive conversation around a meal, it helps the kids feel nurtured, connected and valued. If the kids help prepare the meal or clean up, they feel capable because they made a contribution. If their parents ask for their child’s opinion on a topic, and take it seriously, it helps the student develop critical thinking skills. And you only have to spend twenty minutes at the table.”

Summary of one study: Compared to teens who have frequent family dinners (five or more per week), those who have infrequent family dinners (fewer than three per week) are twice as likely to use tobacco or marijuana; more than one and a half times likelier to use alcohol; and twice as likely to expect to try drugs in the future, according to The Importance of Family Dinners V, a report by The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University. www.casacolumbia.org

Make a commitment today to seek to be a healthier family by establishing healthy routines. Start with having a family meal together.

Also, if your student is showing symptoms of stress have her/him check out our student stress relief site: www.stress-o-meter.com

Here are some links to some of the research on healthy families:

www.search-institute.org    www.parentfurther.com

Boston – April 18, 2013

As parents we worry. We used to think schools were safe for little kids – kindergartners and first graders, but after the Sandy Hook school tragedy, we are all rattled. Where can our kids be safe? At least they will be safe at an athletic event – like the Boston Marathon. What could go wrong there? But now that historic,  popular and festive competition has been marred by terrorists.

Many of us are worried and scared, and our children are growing up scared.  Kids need stability. I spell it S.T.A.B.I.L.I.T.Y.

Here are 9 tips to help you talk with your kids about the Boston bombings and other senseless violence and tragedies (like the factory explosion near Waco, Texas this week).

S – Share appropriate feelings with your child and encourage them to share theirs’. It’s okay to let them see you cry for the people who were killed and injured.  We should cry for them. Let your children take ownership for their feelings. Don’t say, “You shouldn’t feel that way.” Your rage, anxiety and revenge should be kept in check, though; because they tend to be harmful to kids.

T- Time with your kids will help them feel safe. Spend extra time with them. Avoid being rushed. Be available.

A- Assure your children that they will be safe. You can’t promise that you can control everything, but that you and “the good guys” will always do all that we can to keep you safe. Point out some of the heroes who got the bad guys and keep us safe.

B- Balance the media input.Be willing to turn off the TV coverage of tragedies and violent news reports. Protect their innocence.

I- Inform your child or teen with accurate, age-appropriate facts. Adjust to their level of interest, age and questions, NOT your level of anxiety. (TMI)

L-Listen a little longer to your child. She may be talking about something silly, but your presence and willingness to listen sends her a huge message and comforts her. Don’t pretend nothing happened (as in the tragedy), but don’t be consumed by it.

I -Initiate family safety discussions and procedures. Design an emergency plan and actually practice a drill that includes (behavior, communication, meeting place and contact person). This will empower your child and make him feel safe.

T – Touch - Increase the hugs! Even if your teen shrugs you off his shoulder. Hug him anyway. He needs it. Your affection and physical presence matters.

Y – You determine normalcy. If you are freaking out – your kids will be too. It’s okay to let your kids see you upset, but seek to return to a normal routine as much as possible. You set the tone by your behavior and attitude. Your kids will learn how to handle tragedy by watching you. “We weep with those who weep,” scripture says, but we also know that “there is a future and a hope.”

Try these nine tips to help you talk with your kids about senseless violence. Let us know how it goes and add your suggestions. We really do need to keep our kids feeling safe and secure at home and school. They can’t learn, laugh and live if they don’t.

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A little stress can actually be good for students, but when they are overwhelmed, confused, anxious and freaking out, it turns toxic and can be dangerous. Learning skills to keep stress in check will produce many benefits.  Students will perform better with academics, athletics and in the arts if they have a calm, clear, rested mind. Teenagers need nine to eleven hours of sleep each night, but many are trying to get by on five or six.

I deal with stressed teens daily in my coaching practice.  I try to warn them of the dangers of chronic stress and coach them about the benefits of learning skills to reduce toxic stress. I encourage teens and their parents, to make changes in their schedule, lifestyle, thinking and family culture:

Toxic stress makes colds worse.

A study done by Carnegie Mellon University and reported in the National Academy of Sciences Proceedings, warns that chronic stress causes more inflammation and reduces immunity making colds worse and last longer.  Chronic stress causes the body to over produce cortisol, which weakens the body’s immune system.  During the current cold and flu season, we need to help our students get plenty of rest even if it means sleeping in until eleven on a Saturday. Most teens are sleep-deprived and haven’t yet developed the skills to keep their stress in check. Many are sinking under the burden and pressure of their schedule. They have not yet developed a strong, internal emotional frame to handle the heavy adult-like burdens of their homework, sports, dance, work, friends, family challenges, finances and school.
For more solutions on reducing student stress and for students to assess their level of stress, check out my site www.stress-0-meter.com

For more on the study on stress and colds:

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/ColdandFluNews/chronic-stress-feeds-common-cold-study-finds/story?id=16054304

Some high performance children and teens drive themselves (and their parents) crazy trying to achieve their idealized version of success. Their obsession with perfection causes them to feel that anything less than perfect is a failure, and the only way to get attention is to be perfect. In this presentation, parents will contrast elements of an unhealthy home with a healthy home and answer the following questions:

• What kind of support do our kids need to achieve academically, athletically and artistically?
• How much involvement is too much?
• When are kids too busy?
• What are the 5 essentials for a healthy home?
• Raising a capable child
• How do we parent one child who is low on motivation and another who stresses over performance?
• Tiger Mom vs. Koala Dad
  
• How not to spoil or over-indulge your child

Timothy Smith - the Parents Coach, and author of 20 books, including “The Danger of Raising Nice Kids” and “Simple Solutions for Families in the Fast Lane,” will guide parents into developing a customized strategy that will guide them to enhance success, motivation and support without adding stress to their family. Practical tools will also be shared that work with children, middle school and high school students.

Watch Tim on an recent national interview on Fox & Friends, talking about ‘The Danger of Raising Nice Kids’.

http://video.foxnews.com/v/4329687/dangers-of-raising-nice-kids/

Bring this vital seminar to your community. Contact Tim.

Coming up  at Oaks Christian School Wednesday, Jan. 9, 2013  6:30 PM – 8:30 PM  www.oakschristian.org  $10 – Open to the public.

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• Do better at school
• Thrive socially
• Grow physically, develop coordination and more likely to excel at sports
• Resistant using tobacco, drinking alcohol or drug abuse
• Feel more connected and capable

I often ask this at my seminars for parents. Recently I asked some teens. Here are some of their responses:

“Seriously?! All of those benefits from following one tip? I’d pay $500!”

“Wow! I’d pay $1000.00 to get better grades and be better at sports. Of course it would be my DAD’S money, not mine. But he’d be happy with the improvement.”

“That’s a deal! My parents pay for a tutor, and they are on my case about my grades, my choice of friends and they are worried that I’ll smoke pot. So what is it?”

I paused for drama, and to gain the attention of the entire class, “Family meals at least three to five times a week. With the TV and tech turned off. No texting. No calls. Just connecting. And your parents can’t be yelling at you about your chores or grades. Just conversation and food.”

“I’d like that,” confessed Adrian, “We never eat together.”

“Yeah, we used to do that,” said Luisa, but we are going in six directions now. I miss it.”

“My house is lonely at dinner time. Everyone eats at different times in different rooms. Never together,” said Tyler.

“Families that eat a meal together, feel more connected and capable. The meal doesn’t have to be dinner, it could be on weekends, like when you are at your dad’s house. If you can share your opinion and you are listened to you feel valued, and you gain confidence in your thinking which helps you with school. So here’s the challenge, go home and ask your parent, ‘Can we eat dinner together, I’ll help make it?’”

Over a million families did this last year for National Family Day – A Day To Eat Dinner With Your Children (TM). It’s this year  in September 24, 1012.  Check out the Family Dinner Kit with tips, ideas and conversations starters, free at: http://casafamilyday.org/familyday/tools-you-can-use/family-dinner-kit/

Healthy families talk over a meal.

Family meals nourish more than the body. They help children feel closer to their family and more understood and valued. Without regular meals together, a child or teen is two times more likely to use tobacco; nearly two times more likely to use alcohol and one and a half times more likely to smoke marijuana. Having dinner together is one of the most strategic tools a parent can use for the health of her/his children.

There are a few ground rules: 1. Make it a conversation, not a lecture. 2. Don’t use it for discipline, like, “How come you are getting a C in math?” 3. No texting, TV, video games or phone calls during the meal. Focus on each other. 4. Enlist your children in preparing and cleaning up. 5. Take turns asking questions. Assign different days to family members to lead the conversation with their questions. 6. Don’t drag it out. A meal and conversation needs to be age-appropriate. Thirty minutes is usually enough time to eat, for each person to comment on their day, and to respond to the Question of The Day.

Don’t believe the common myth that My teen won’t want to talk with me. 75% of teens think family dinner is important and 68% of teens wished their family had more meals together. Make time in your schedule for a meal together. If you have to say no to a soccer practice to make time for dinner, it may pay off in the long run.

Try following these tips and let me know your story. I’ll choose one and send you a free copy of my book, 52 Family Time Ideas. tim@parentscoach.orgFor Healthy Families,

Timothy Smith – The Parents Coach

Wouldn’t that be great? When the kids are whiny; Jo Frost shows up and tells them, “You have been very naughty. Go sit on the naughty stool. Straightaway!” When the kids refuse to go to bed, the Super Nanny waves her magic umbrella and the little rebels are instantly whisked off with smiles to sweet dreams. And when the husband and wife disagree on parenting, the Super Nanny demonstrates the negotiation skills of a diplomat as she ‘gets them on the same page’ with their parenting.

Wouldn’t it be great to be able to call Super Nanny?

Well you may not want your family documented on national TV. But you still would like some expert help. How about someone coming to your home, but without the cameras and crew? Someone who can personally coach you on strategic discipline, instilling values, being consistent, and building a family mission? How about online video parent coaching?

I speak all over the country and I’m often asked, “How can we get parent coaching like you do in California?”  My answer has been, “I offer private online video coaching via Skype and iChat !” Many parents have tried it. Here’s what some of them have said:

“We realized that we were too busy and so were our kids. Video coaching helped us focus, prioritize, relax, connect and build memories. Tim Smith helped us discover a reasonable pace for family life.” – Todd R.
“As young parents, we were clueless about parenting. What we had strong opinions about, we disagreed. Coach Tim got us on the same page with values, vision, and discipline. Now we parent together and with confidence.” – Brent and Paige

“We heard Tim Smith speak in New York about ‘kids being over-scheduled and under-connected’. As two working professionals, we realized that he was speaking to us. We applied what we could from his Simple Solutions for Fast Lane Families book and seminar; but what helped us stay with it was the accountability and encouragement we get from our Video Coaching appointments. It’s like having him here in New York.” – Carlos and Felicia
“Parents Coach, Timothy Smith helped our family get through the teen years with our son. I don’t know that we would have made it without him. His de-parenting plan really worked. It prepared our son for college and it helped me to let go. Now I just check in as needed with a video session. It’s like a tune-up!”– Lori B.

But I have something better than Super Nanny coming to your house – ONLINE PARENT COACHING!

                       “So you are saying we need a strategy for parenting to keep us   from reacting to our kids? That’s a great idea, Tim.”

Contact me to try it out. All you need is a computer with Internet connection and a video camera and microphone. It’s easy, private and you don’t have to dress up or even leave home!

In the meantime, here’s your parenting tip: Focus on being clear, calm and consistent when giving your child guidance or discipline. Unfocused instructions frustrate kids. Anxious parents create anxious kids. Inconsistent parents make angry kids.

Your mantra, “I’m clear. calm, consistent . . . I’m clear, calm, consistent …”

Timothy Smith

Follow me on Twitter:  @ParentsCoach

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“When is he free?” I asked.

“Well, let’s see . . .he has soccer at three,  guitar lessons at five; a tutor after dinner; youth group on Wednesdays – wait, I have another call – hang on.”

Making an appointment with someone in today’s average family can be more challenging than scheduling the Winter Olympics!

Stress has become part of North American family life. The demands of the economy, work, home, family and everything else place an increasing burden on everyone, including children. In my research for my book, Simple Solutions for Families in The Fast Lane. I discovered that more than 60% of the parents surveyed report that they don’t have time to relax and connect with their children, or if they are married, with their spouse. Overscheduling can damage our health, our marriages and put our kids at risk.

We want the best for our kids, but in the pursuit of enrichment we can actually delete important elements and asset-building activities. We’ve bought into the Enrichment Myth – that we need to keep kids busy and fill their world with experiences and instruction if they are to thrive. As a result, we end up frustrating them. Here are my Top Ten Ways To Frustrate Kids:

1. Don’t bond with your young child by giving him physical affection, time and attention.
2. Believe that professional child-care providers are adequate substitutes for your nurture and connection with your child.
3. Don’t cuddle, read, talk with or play with your young child.
4. Ignore all the fuss and hassle about rules, routines and discipline. Focus on letting them express themselves.
5. Don’t impose your moral and spiritual values on your child. Let her discover her own when she is ready.
6. Don’t let him feel a sense of ownership and responsibility for his choices.
7. Live your life through your child. His success is yours. His failure is yours. His achievement should help you feel better.
8. Never allow your child to be held accountable by having to experience consequences for her behavior.
9. Expect the best, even in areas where she isn’t gifted. Frequently remind her of her potential.
10. Don’t waste your time talking and dealing with issues of importance.

If you are a family in the fast lane, and you don’t want to frustrate your kids by adding stress to their lives; make sure you avoid everything on this list.

For more tips on connecting with your kids, visit www.ParentsCoach.org or follow me on Twitter: @ParentsCoach

For relaxed and connected families,

Timothy Smith – The Parent’s Coach www.ParentsCoach.org

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But I also have been an athletic coach and have learned that people grow when they are accountable to someone. So as a coach, I offer solutions. I’ll say, “How about trying this, this week?” I often write down my assignment on a card and give it to my client. I’m finding that my clients do the work and make changes 80% of the time by taking small steps in the right direction.

I offer three kinds of coaching: Parent Coaching, Couples Coaching and Personal Coaching for adults, children and teens. The goal of coaching is effective and healthy living and relationships. It is positive-focused and solution-oriented.

Is coaching for you? Would you like help with?

• Getting past a personal hurdle
• Parenting challenges
• Balancing work and family
• Personal drive, purpose and significance
• Creating a healthy home
• Strengthening your marriage

If you said yes to any of these, then coaching may be for you.

I call it the Digital Gap. In 1991 the Internet became available to American families. Suddenly, “You’ve got mail,” became enticing and popular. Information was now being shared by the average citizen, across time zones, demographics and countries. The World Wide Web was born. Our children have always lived with the web. Most grew up with You Tube, iTunes, iTouch, iPhoto, iPhone and instant connection. We are calling this second half of the millennials, Gen iY because of the internet, instant gratification, impulsive purchasing, immediate information, and I-centered online identity (think Facebook profiles) which are common.Portrait of a Digital Native

Gen iY are digital natives because they’ve always had digital technology. Their older siblings and parents did not grow up in a digital world – so we are just visiting. We are digital immigrants. The Apple store is the new Ellis Island! As a result of being a digital native, our kids are comfortable with technology; are willing to take risks with tech; crave technology like air; and expect things to be delivered quickly and in high definition. This adds up to high expectations and low reality.

• 94% of our teens are overwhelmed
• 70% of our middle school and high school students worry about the future
• Most are over stimulated and over-connected with texting
• Most are over-protected and don’t have independent coping skills
• 80% of teens believe they are ‘very important and deserve special treatment.’

Gen iY – Training Capable Digital Natives is a new presentation, based on fresh research, for parents of kids ages 9 to 21. Featuring: relating to your digital native; tips for effective communication; Tiger Mom vs. Koala Dad; Coping with stress and achievement overload; challenging entitlement and motivating your sofa-oriented kid. Contact tim@parentscoach.org to schedule it in your community.

Dealing With Your Teen’s Surging Hormones

Research studies in North America are reporting that puberty is coming to children earlier. The teen years have expanded! We are seeing hormonal changes begin in girls as young as eight years old, and in boys as young as nine. These changes occur before you may even notice signs of puberty, like breast development in girls and arm pit hair in boys.

This doesn’t mean you have to panic as a parent. Having a pubescent pre-teen isn’t a ‘bad’ thing. It’s just different. It requires some updated info and tips on how to parent a hormonal pre-teen or teen. Here are some tips from the Parents Coach:

1. Moodiness, sullenness and apathy may be hormonal; but don’t label it so. Don’t say, “You are acting like a hormonal teenager!” That doesn’t help. Most pre-teens and teens know something is going on, but they don’t know how to control it.
2. Acknowledge and value their feelings. Their feelings may be silly and overly dramatic to you, but they are real and extremely important to your teen.
3. Accept their feelings – even the over-the-top ones. No teasing or sarcasm, which makes teens feel rejected, weird and alone.
4. Hold your teen or pre-teen accountable for his/her behavior. Say, “You are the expert on your feelings, no one knows exactly how you feel but you. You have authority of your emotions. (Pause) You also have authority over what you do with those feelings with your speech and behavior.” Part of adolescence is learning to tune into our feelings, be aware of them, but not let our emotions rule our behavior. Learning emotional responsibility is a key skill for navigating hormonal hurricanes.
5. Talk with your pre-teen about what he/she can do when he/she is irritable, angry, sad or having a bad day emotionally. Does she need to be alone? Would he prefer to go outside and shoot hoops? Experiment with what helps them on moody days. Support them with their efforts to handle negative feelings by themselves and don’t do too much for them. In other words, don’t baby or coddle them when they act immature, irritable or demanding (that’s enabling them). Say, “I see that you are having a rough day. What healthy choice can you make to help you get through this difficult day?”